For His Namesake (lay it on the line)

Jesus, are you up to the challenge? You say "I lead you on the right path for my namesake." (Psalm 23). Because of You, I let go of my selfish desire to keep reading and ignore the guy who sat down in front of me. Because of you, I talked to him about his broken arm. Because of you, I asked him about himself and talked to rando-guy instead of leaving. Because of you, I offered to pray for the pain to go away, and You urged me to pray for more.

So Jesus, are you up to the challenge? This guy's arm was broken for ONE MONTH before he had insurance to put it in a cast. Now, the pain is so bad but he doesn't want to take pain killers (because some of his friends got addicted to them, and he "lost" them, whatever that means...You know). So Jesus, will you remove the pain? Will you, from now until the cast is removed, set the bones right? 4 Weeks from now, will he even remember that I prayed for him in YOUR NAME?

Jesus, it is Your namesake on the line. Jesus, I was this guy to know You, Your love, Your peace, Your hope, Your comfort, Your might, Your power, Your glory. But ultimately, the choice is Yours.

I believe I serve a loving God with the power to heal all wounds - physical, emotional, spiritual. Jesus...in YOUR name I prayed. You are not a God of disappointments.

I will revisit this again, Jesus. In four weeks, I expect a man healed of so much more than a broken arm. As a man filled with the Holy Spirit recently reminded me, "My God loves these kind of challenges." The clock is ticking.

Erm, Jesus... [I'm] Gonna Die!

Before you freak out, my title is straight outta Luke 8. That's right-crazy sea knocking a tiny boat around full of scared disciples and a sleeping Jesus. There fear was REAL. Their fear was "rational." Their fear consumed them to the point that they TOLD Jesus the outcome. They didn't ask for help. They didn't tell Him "we might die!" They said, flat out, "Master, Master, we are going to drown!"

In their minds: Jesus, do you care? How the hell can He sleep in this storm? We're going to die, inform Him of the situation.

And the past few weeks, I think I've been in a storm, a war on all fronts (sorry to switch imagery). Seriously though, I've felt overwhelmed by my job. My boss is constantly adding more to my plate (much of it last minute). My internship has been quite exhausting at times. My relationship with Brendan has been full of conflict. I have been lacking community or not taking advantage of the community I do have. More or less, I've been feeling the whipping of the wind, the lashing of the waves, and fearing my boat [life] would capsize.

I've recently been hit by a few truths about God, encouraged in many ways. I will try to sum up.

When feeling like I have no purpose at CSULB, I am reminded that Chapter Planting, as Eddy and Sarah would say, is NOT sexy. It is, however, God's work and desire. So when I'm running errands, cooking for 20, driving people all over, spending days on campus when no one shows up, sitting in on things I'm not directly "leading," playing awkward games or forcing awkward conversations, Jesus is all the while using me to gather, to serve, to model hospitality, to listen to the deeper heart cries underneath the casual conversation, to build trust, to spread joy, to build community, to help students forget about their current stress, to interpret for students what God is doing in their lives, to let students get to know me, to LOVE students despite my own brokenness.

When feeling like work is too much, I am reminded that I have the opportunity to share the love of Christ with an adorable little girl. I can encourage her and support her, I can teach her and coach her, I can share about my faith and listen as she talks about hers. I get to LOVE her, despite my own brokenness.

And when I feel like I have failed Brendan or he has failed me, I am reminded of God's good promise to me/us before we started dating: "You and Brendan will be good for one another." So when we fight over stupid things, when we are stuck in bad patterns, when we are selfish, when we are tired and unable to love well, when we are grumpy, when we hold on to bitterness, when we suck at life...Jesus shows me that He has a plan for us, He shows me the ways we have encouraged one another and built each other up. He shows us that we are more than our faults and failures. He shows me that I can, indeed, LOVE despite my own brokenness.

More than loving through brokenness, Luke 8 taught me that Jesus doesn't always put us in situations to work on our character (yes, He deeply wants to transform us.) Sometimes, He transforms us through circumstances, but sometimes He changes our circumstances so that we trust Him and ask Him to transform us.

So while I know God is doing much IN me, here is my prayer:

- That interning would not be so exhausting and overwhelming, that it would get easier and that God would bring 20 students to fall con.
- That work would not be so stressful, but my boss would be on top of things and realize how much she has been asking of me.
- That Brendan and I would break through our bad habits, but also, that we would just have more joy overall.

My Jesus cares about my heart and my character, and it has taken me a looong time to realize this truth. But what I have lost/forgotten along the way is that my Jesus ALSO cares about my circumstances and He has the power and the compassion to change them!

Stones by the Jordan (things to remember):

I thought I'd share with you things God has been doing, since that IS the point of this blog after all ;)

Bonfire.
I got lost with two students, F and N. They were very patient with me, even though we were an HOUR late to the beach bonfire. We got to talk, get to know each other, and hang out. I believe God used that time for a reason (admittedly I was annoyed at the lack of clarity in directions AT THE TIME, and I felt guilty because we had the fire wood... but God had something else in mind!)

Soul Thirst.
I think there was 12-15 of us? It was a decent group, 4 guys came. God taught me that I have strong opinions and that sometimes it is better to hold one's tongue. In doing so, I was able to welcome a student who hadn't had a "real" conversation with anyone at CSULB until that night with me. I felt blessed (even though, at the time I didn't realize just how significant that conversation was, or how God would use that hospitality to bring this guy to our small group even though he isn't friends with anyone...YET!)

Hang outs.
We went to the movies, both times provided great opportunities to hang out with students. R came one day, N (from the bonfire) came another, along with sophomores on the Salt and Light team. These times were fun and all, but I had a hard time seeing their deeper significance (a trend right now? PERHAPS?! Haha). Anyway, R & N ended up going to IGNITE!

IGNITE.
I could right an entire blog about this, but I will be brief. God reminded me that I have spiritual authority because of my relationship with Him. He wants to use me. He has given me various gifts of the spirit in order to pour out His love onto His people. He has called me to speak His truth to believers and none believers alike. At Ignite, God used me to love 3 various people, 1 is a fellow intern whom I love. It was so amazing to be used to inspire and encourage her because I know she will be such a blessing as she leads worship at our Fall Con :) God is sooo good! Just to say, Abner was AMAZING and he brought thunder and lightning during his talk :D It was frickin' awesome! The number of people who prayed for an outpouring of the spirit was MIND BLOWING!
The afternoon sessions were fine, nothing new or breathtaking, but I did get prayer for how to be a witness to men at CSULB. I also talked some strategy with Kate and Waley. It was awesome just to talk to them about issues I'm facing and hear what they've done, and the issues they face.
Evening session was AMAZING. When Ryan spoke about people God is calling us to witness to, I broke down. God gave me a professor at Scripps who I have been praying for for 2-3 years now. Annoyed. I graduated, God, why him still? Afraid. What if I share and he doesn't accept? Fear. what if I share and YOU don't show up, God? And Doubt. What if I share the wrong thing? (Because God gave me specifically what I should say). I asked for confirmation. Right then, Ryan said "maybe you got a professor"...Damn. So I cried out because of my fear and doubt. I asked Brendan to pray over me. As he did so, I had a renewed sense of faith. I couldn't contain everything, so I went to the aisle to intercede, to worship, to cry out, to plead for the students at Ignite, to demand revival, and God spoke clearly to me. It was amazing to hear something to transformative. The pastor at Antioch, the predominantly black church I've been attending, has said that when God gives certain visions it demands life-changing actions to be taken.

God spoke to me in a way that I could not deny. Everything before this Saturday has been, in part, the old way for IV. God is bringing a new thing - new wine requires a new wineskin. We must adjust to the new things coming our way.

I heard God speak in my spirit: The Revival has begun.

One student gave her life at Ignite (THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN! What non-Christian GOES?! RIDICULOUS! INSANITY!) and 7 or so rededicated (again, Ignite is more for the on fire Christians in general, those who want to witness... WHAT?!) And all week I've been reading post after post by IV staff describing the revivals they've seen: students coming to faith, students initiating spiritual conversations, students signing up for GIGS, the Holy Spirit descending on prayer meetings and giving students gifts to prophesy and see visions. The funny thing is, I'm not surprised... but every time I read another story, God brings tears to my eyes -- He spoke truly. The revival has begun!

Students are students, and students are AWESOME!

Today was my first day of ministry activity on CSULB. Me, Sarah, and a few students passed out free water, helped move, and gave directions to lost freshman as they were moving in today. It was hot, and the agua was very appreciated :)

I got to talk to one of the IV students a lot, which was AMAZING (we will call her "A"). She is such a strong woman, I am already impressed by her faith and her belief that God is in control. She is married and her husband is in the navy. From how she describes her, her life is a constant question mark. They never know more than a week in advance what the situation is. They may even restation him in another state in January! She is constantly forced to be flexible, trusting, and hope in the LORD. Hearing more of her story and relationship with God, I am blown away (and honestly SCHOOLED!) by her steadfast belief that Jesus is in control and won't drop her. My financial situation (part-time job may not be enough money...ugh) seems so small in comparison. But, more than anything, I am reminded to TRUST AND HOPE IN THE LORD! AMEN! :)

As for the students I met... here are two stories:

First, I met an RA (we shall call her "K" to respect privacy). We were helping a family find the nearest restroom, and it was in the lobby of K's dorm. A and I starting talking to K, and eventually we told her that we were with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship (IVCF). She told us that she was a Christian, and that one of our fellow IVers is a friend of hers, and a strong partner in faith. It was encouraging to find another Christian, and she seemed interested in our group. At the end of the day, after passing out most of the water bottles, I brought K a couple leftover. I told her how much of a blessing her being an RA is to the students, and that I am blessed to have a sister caring for others on campus. She said we needed to encourage and support each other, and that we would be a light at CSULB. Her faith impressed upon me how vital it is that I am here for this season, and reminded me how much God loves CSULB that He is putting His people allll over. I took down K's info to contact her about IV stuff, and asked where she goes to church. I hope to visit with Brendan, Sam and Daniel soon :) She was awesome, and I look forward to getting to know her better!

I also met a guy (J). So J pulled into the parking lot with a car full of stuff and no one around to help. A and I offered, and he was very grateful. When we started, some basketball players came to help (many sports team and those in the Greek system were there to help today, mandatory I think). We had so many people helping J, he was floored. I started talking to him, asking him how he felt about the year, where he was from, his major, etc. We talked about various things, and after two trips with 7 or so helpers, he was mostly unloaded. He told us he would get the last few things and thanked us for our help. I wanted to tell him who we were, but honestly froze. I felt bad as I left the dorm, and I told God "if only I had another chance." Then here comes J, walking behind me. He says he left something he needed in his car, and I tell him who we are, that we have BBQs and stuff coming up, and if he would want to give me his information. He says yes, and now I can follow-up with him later! I ran into him a few more times (his dorm was by our FREE WATER stand).

So, those are my DAY 1 stories. Please pray for J, K, the other students we met, those we have not yet met, that God would continue to ordane moments like these where we can love the students of Beach State!

Throughout the day, I noticed quite a few differences (the ethnic diversity, the amount of transfer students from community colleges, the size of the place, the lack of discussion amongst first year-aka no real bonding stuffs yet/random convos like in the dorms of Scripps)... but I noticed one similarity: college students are college students. Conversations with them are not unlike those I had back at Scripps welcoming first years. Though I have much to learn, this much is true: God has called me to LOVE students; it is a ministry that, for this season of my life, causes me to rejoice and be glad for all the LORD has planned!

One Full Day

Just a few quick updates (yes, all happened yesterday):

I have two jobs! One is a coaching position for water polo in Santa Ana at a high school. The other is an office assistant/tutoring position in Long Beach. The dilemma? How many hours is TOO many hours with my internship also?

Please pray for discernment on how many coaching hours to take on, if any.

I was in a car accident. Nothing too serious. I've been a little sore, but my car is totally fine.

Please pray for healing, that this soreness is all I'll experience.

Now, we are waiting to hear about a few apartments.

Please pray that we can find a good place soon!!!

That is all :)

God is my Victory

Just some short thoughts, not about interning persay, but some reflections.

Things have been hard, personally and spiritually, as of late. I feel like I'm in a bit of a dry season, a desert. The irony? I asked for it...

When Brendan and I were praying about UCI or UCSB, God told me and my friends that He was calling me into the desert. He promised oasis, but a desert nonetheless. I was afraid of going to UCSB, and God called me to trust Him and be open. Brendan ended up at UCI, but God transformed me (us both, actually) in the process... and for me, He called me into the desert. My prayer for the last month of school or so was for a season of trials. Not because I like them. I hate when things are hard. But, because I felt so comfortable in my faith, comfortable with where I was. A desert, a season of trials, while it would be a dark and hard time, would end with experiencing and understanding more of God than I ever have before.

Sometimes, God gives us exactly what we ask for. I believe God has a lot to teach me in this hard, dry time. I believe He wants me to know more of Him, to experience more of Him, to lean on and delight in Him more than I have ever before. I've been hopeless and discouraged lately, but I also find myself surprised by how good God is and how much He loves me, how much He is walking alongside Brendan and me, how much He protects and provides, how good and trustworthy He is.

Please pray for me to experience more of God. Honestly, I wish things were easier. And on my weakest days, I feel alone in the fight. Yet, though I don't always feel it, I know this is true:

"I see the King of Glory, coming on the clouds with fire, the whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakesl I see His love and mercy, washing over all our sin, the people sing, the people sing, Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest!"

And though sometimes it takes all my strength, and sometimes I forget to pray, I believe:

"I see a generation, rising up to take their place, with selfless faith, with selfless faith; I see a near revival, stirring as we pray and seek, we're on our knees, we're on our knees; Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the Highest"

Despite the pain, the exhaustion, the hopelessness, and the weakness of my faith... I trust in the LORD, and this is my cry:

"Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like You have loved me! Break my heart for what breaks Yours; everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause, as I walk from earth into eternity (with YOU!)"

***

Someone said that revival begins in our hearts before it can begin on our campuses. LORD, have Your way!

Intern Trek 2011!

Hey everyone,

I was away for 10 days, 9 nights, on the InterVarsity Intern Trek. It was AMAZING (to say the least).

We spent part of the trip in Albuquerque, NM and part in Flagstaff, AZ. We did spiritual formation in the morning, which was focused on our relationship with God. We talked about Christ's invitation to abide with him, to "come and see"; about getting in the reflexive habit of confession and repentance; about becoming "Nathans" to our students, which includes speaking truth even when it may destroy our image; forming habits of gratitude in the midst of suffering; God's calling on our lives, and that we can rejoice over our gifts and abilities by giving glory to God; finally, we talked about spiritual authority--authority that comes directly from God through our intimate relationship with Him.

The time in NM we were trained by Doug Schaupp (author of Being White and I Once Was Lost) in evangelism. He was also in my van (we stayed in homes of people from the church, so Doug helped drop us off/ pick us up every night). On top of his AMAZING training in evangelism, he has an amazing story of how he became a writer and how he has grown in racial reconciliation and chapter development. It was so fun to get to know him and my lovely van mates better. They even took me out for my bday :D The Outreach event on UNM's campus was my first ever experience with contact evangelism. And, although I didn't lead anyone to Christ, I shared the gospel boldly and saw God answer my prayers IMMEDIATELY! (Hey Mark, how you doin'?! haha). Anyway, it was AMAZING! And over 10 people came to Christ that day, including a group of young kids led to faith by none other than Tom Allen (woot Van-Dad! He drove me and another intern from Riverside to New Mexico. We got to know our boss's boss's boss pretty well... haha).

In AZ we focused more specifically on our time of transition and cross-cultural relationships. The things on multi-ethnicity weren't anything I have not heard before (thanks to Erna and Kate for their amazing training, and certain friends as well. You all know who you are!). But it was still an AMAZING refresher, and it was cool to be there to experience with the other interns. I especially enjoyed hearing other people's journeys with multi-ethnicity and their own ethnic identity. I still find that I am hesitant to strongly identify as white... but I think I'm realizing that it is ok, so long as it is out of genuine difference and not simply a fear of being white or white guilt. Maybe it is time I took another look at Doug's book ;) We'll see :P

Anywho, as for the things on transition... a lot to process. My main take-away is that I need to cling to God and community during this time. I need to MAKE the time for God, to abide in Him, to dwell with Him, to trust and lean on Him, to rejoice in Him, delight in Him, be blessed by Him, be LOVED BY HIM! And, I need to make time to develop a healthy relationship with Brendan, to go deeper in community with S&D, and to continue building/developing friendships with people from Claremont as well as in Long Beach. However, I also need to be patient with myself. One thing they said was "You'll know when things are off balance when things are wrong/hard/difficult" basically, we can't always PLAN for transition to go well... but we can ADJUST along the way. We won't know we've lacked community (often) until we feel isolated/alone. We won't know we've lacked rest until we're pissed off and grumpy (if you're me, haha). So, time will tell :) Good thing God goes with me AND before me ;)

All in all, the trek was really good. I enjoyed it, it was challenging, and God definitely gave me some good things to chew on for the next year.

I've updated my prayer requests! Check em out!