Repetitive...for a reason?

Another post about sheep. Be warned.

These are my reflections from church this Sunday that I felt God was fueling in me. Enjoy.

Personally, I am having a harder time snapping back into the semester, despite all the good things I have seen. I think the difficulties of ministry are taking their toll. Unfortunately, winter break was not the most spiritually reviving season either (my own doing). I am slowly getting back on track so that I can be intune to God's vision and will for myself and for CSULB.

However, the lack of "feeling" God is growing some of my deeper senses of His existence, His love, His truth. Even if I don't "feel" Him doesn't mean He isn't there. Even if I can't "see" Him doesn't mean He isn't at work.

I believe this season will be interesting, particularly as God is inviting me to more hope and joy... I think it is not by chance that I am not in a particularly "spiritually high" place to grow in these two aspects of faith. Hope and Joy are not emotions but rather realities Christians are invited into. I am excited to see what Jesus has in store for me and my campus.

Jesus,
No greater grace and mercy the world has ever seen than Your body and blood shed for my salvation. For though Your love endures all tribulations and conquers any obstacle, my heart is fickle as I stray far from Your compassionate care. Yet as a strong and gentle Shepherd, You seek me out--a dumb sheep once again caught in the thicket, ensnared by the sins of this world. No amount of time and space can prevent Your ears from catching my cries, however feeble and unwillingly I call. Your rod and Your staff are a comfort: not only guiding me down righteous paths, they hack ruthlessly at the prickly weeds latched onto my shabby whool. The same fierceness with which you cleansed the temple of theives and liars You remove briers and burrs, freeing a foolish lamb like me. As my heart wanes within me, the burdens of this world attempt to crush and bind, You bring release. You pull me from my demise and lift me onto Your shoulders, for You are strong and I am weak. It is for this, Your faithfulness, that I will yet praise You. Though I am lost, I trust that You will seek me out, and by Your diligence, out of love, I shall be found. So I count myself blessed, not that I am worthy, courageous, strong, or capable, but that when I am weak, needy, desperate and vulnerable I again find myself in Your arms.


The scandal of grace is this--that though we were still sinners, Jesus, out of love for us, died and conquered all our faults and failures.

I am not the best for ministry-of this I am now convinced-but I know God called me here for a reason, probably many reasons, and I am hopeful to discover what He has up His sleeve.

What's in a Title?

I am one dumb sheep.

Every few months since sophomore year of college, I find myself asking this question: what would I do right now if Jesus came to me?

I don't mean in a dream or vision or even a friendly home visit. I mean if Jesus walked about like he used to, what would I do if He showed upin Long Beach and walked down Redondo Ave? Would I run to Him? Would I reach for His garment in secret? Would I climb a tree for a better look? Would my friends need to drag me to Him for healing because I could not get there myself?

I try to be as real with myself as possible. This exercise is not to think great thoughts about myself or even Jesus, it is a time to check in spiritually.

Sometime in December I asked myself this question and here is what I saw:

Jesus was walking with a crowd. He was surrounded by people on all sides pushing in around Him. I had heard that He would come so I went out to see Him and stood off at a distance. Slowly, I started to walk forward to Him, but I did not make it. Instead, I fell at my knees, head down and weeping. Jesus saw.

Jesus walked to me.

He crouched down and put His arms around me and said "I love you so much. I have used you to do so much. You are a good shepherd as you follow Me. I am so proud of you. Trust that I will fill you up before I send you out. Come to Me. My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Let Me fill you up."

With these words, I look forward to this semester, knowing that whatever my weaknesses, faults, sins, failures and brokenness, Jesus will seek me out.

I am worth seeking.

I am one (dumb) sought after sheep.

What is Christmas without Drunken Brawlers?

That's right--drunken brawlers. In the ancient world, some people called them "shepherds." Don't be baited by the paintings of lamb carrying, baby-faced blondes in bath robes. The men from Luke 2 were likely rent-a-shepherds in Israel from the early CE (Common Era).

That means these men were wild and fierce, not to be trusted in upstanding society. They were, to use a few coined phrases, social-outcasts, misfits, ragamuffins. And in the book of Luke, an angel appears to them (that's right, a flippin ANGEL, MESSENGER OF GOD). These guys were greeted by one of those beings of glory and they were struck with fear.

It's crazy to think of a bunch of thugs shaking in their robes, but it is even stranger and more surreal to think of God, perfect and Holy (set apart), coming to a group of unshaven, unkept, barbaric men out in the wilderness.

But that's our God, our King. He came as a helpless babe, born to a young, displaced woman in an occupied country. And Jesus Christ, Redeemer of the World, wanted to be surrounded by the poor, the lowly, the meek, those lost to this world. He came to set things right. He came to bring Shalom--and that is far more than "peace," it is the COMPLETE righting of wrongs. EVERYTHING is set to how God intended.

Jesus brought the Kingdom of God, and He brought it to society's outcasts.

My God loves you, wherever you are, whatever you have gone through. Whatever you've done, whatever you have left undone--He LOVES YOU. He came for you.

This semester, God has been teaching me that I am a misfit in various ways. I have reasons to be ashamed, but my God removes shame. My God gives hope and promises, even to a sinner like me. More so than that, God teaches me that through my brokenness I experience more of Him. The point is not to simply fix the things that are wrong in me, but to experience the Prince of Shalom at work throughout the healing process, throughout the reconstruction of my soul.

And with that, I want to wish you a very Merry Christmas.

Stumbling into God's Glory

The past month or so has been marked, in many ways, by exhaustion and discouragement. I have constantly found myself wondering how the heck am I supposed to be in ministry-I am so sinful, so broken, so unworthy, so incompetant, so unloving. I have been gripped by many fears to the point of defeat and despair.

I have wanted to quit my job as a personal assistant because my bosses continued to blame me for things that were not my fault. I wanted to just stay in bed all day, every day, dreading work... then dreading going on campus.

Yet in the midst of this, because Sarah is a great supervisor, I continued to have tasks to do: cook for Soul Thirst, drive students around, have conversations with the three students I am investing intentionally in, participate, gather, invite, lead a prayer treasure hunt, lead a proxy station.

What I didn't realize all along the way was that God was meeting me and I was simply too lost in my own darkness to see Him.:
- Cooking for Soul Thirst has become much less stressful. I like it when students enjoy the food and knowing I am meeting a most basic need in a hospitable, Jesus-like way.
- Driving students is literally my FAVORITE thing to do! I've had so many amazing conversations about dating relationships, loving neighbors, family issues, being missional, prayer, devotionals, God, Jesus, life! I have gotten to live along side them as I hear more about what they are going through. Driving = ministry time of AWESOME!
- As I am investing intentionally in 3 students, I have gotten to see how they are growing over a year. One of them has taken sooo many risks loving her classmates and friends, she even prayed with me for RANDOM people on campus (ex: "Hey, we just wanted to offer prayer to people as a way to love them. Do you need prayer?" Yup. Totally. Random. People. CRAZINESS!). Another girl has been growing SO MUCH wiht Jesus this semester-she is reading her Bible daily, praying, HEARING from God!, loving her suitemates and other students in her dorm. And a third student is slowly learning what it means to be part of Christian community-he is slowly experiencing the transition from "club" to "FAMILY, children of God." Everything he does with us he totally loves! He even shared vulnerably at a men's breakfast this weekend. AWESOME!
- I led a prayer treasure hunt where students learned they can be used by God in real, tangible, practical ways RIGHT NOW!
- I taught students how to do a proxy about Thanksgiving/community, and they got into amazing conversations about how Jesus calls us to love one another!
- God has continued to grow my character (more on that another time).

So although the main feeling I have when I think abotu November is "tired", I think God wants to re-interpret my memories of this past month. The truth is, it was a LOT of stuff, but God has been so faithful throughout it. Here are two mini reflections from this month:

Me: If people knew how sinful and broken I was, the thoughts that are really in my head, they would NEVER let me lead.
God: Yet I have chosen you.

God, you reach me in my darkest hour, in the deepest pit, when life has caved in all around. You always find me.

To end: God is GOOD even if I can't always see it, I don't always look for it, and I continue to ignore it. The moment I choose to acknowledge Him, He is ever present and unconditionally loving. Amen!

Check out my prayer requests to the right for this months events and other things!

Thank you for reading :)

Kept Promises!

At Fall Conference two students became Christian (woo-hoo!). Of the other non-Christian students we brought, God made a promise:

"I will have Alicia in a month, student Karie within a year."

Last Thursday, Eddy gave a talk on being missional, and the students went around Sarah's apt. taking out peoples' trash and telling them it was because they love Jesus and love the community. After that, we all got to hang out and some of the worship leaders did a jam session--mixing secular and Christian songs as we sang along. It was really fun, despite my awful voice :P Meanwhile, Alice and Sarah talked for a long time upstairs.

...

Alicia, Sarah, and Jasmine (who had invested in Alica) came downstairs... and Alicia had made a first time decision to follow Jesus and become a Christian!!!

I would like to point out that it was ONE MONTH after fall con :)

Jesus is so good and keeps His promises! It is a reminder to me to pay attention to the other promises He has made and live faithfully and hopefully in them.

Three times in four days I have been reminded that 1) The Kingdom of God draws near as I draw near. 2) The power of Jesus goes with me. 3) I need to live in the reality of both of these.

Jesus, help me to live my life that way and let's see what You can do! Amen :)

Flailing in Deep Seas

Please read my October Update before you read my spiritual insights on all God is doing. Thank you.

***

So, in light of all the good things God is doing, yet all my inner turmoil, what am I learning?

I get the image of water polo my sophomore year of high school. I had played during my freshman year in the "field" as a driver. I had a decent knowledge of the game, I was fast, and I could pass, catch, and shoot a ball. Basically, I had key water polo skills. My coach saw in me something more: I had strong legs, a good reach, decent reflexes (to be developed more) and a great breast stroke kick (something from swim that he found a new use for.) My coach asked me to be a goalie. I was extremely hesitant, and honestly, very angry. I had spent all summer between freshman and sophomore year training to be the fastest swimmer on the team, to be a strong field player. Honestly, I wanted to score goals. So I was PISSED when he told me he needed me in cage. He told me about all of my attributes that would prove beneficial, but I was still upset. Eventually, I came around. But I knew that, if I was to be goalie during our winter season, I wanted a head start on training. So, I began going to guys' practices. I trained with them, hardly blocking a thing the first practices. I wore weight belts (which SUCKED back then). I trained 3 hours a day OUT of my season. I swam. I did drills. And I clung to every peice of advice either of my coaches offered. I was there to learn. It didn't matter that a million shots got scored on me, so long as I was becoming better.

That was a long analogy, so thank you for sticking it out. Truth is, I need that attitude back. I need to look at these two years as the pre-season. It isn't that I'm not a campus minister yet-I am, even if not "full time." But, intern year is like pre-season training. My blunders can be many, so long as I'm growing stronger in faith and my skills are being developed. I came into the internship with a lot of skills-relational, sharing vulnerably, a healthy dependence on community, my faith, my love for justice, my heart for non-believers, teaching, hearing God's voice-but these skills are no where near what they could be at, given more training. The issue is I came into the internship having been a "rock star" on my campus. Now, I'm learning all over again. Yes, I have skills...but I don't know how to apply them in this new place. Yes, I know a lot about ministry, but I require a new perspective (just like a game looks different in the field than in the goal.)

What needs to change? I need to be ok with this new environment being unfamiliar, with my skills being sub-par, with my attempts resulting more in exhaustion from a long day getting better than numerous "successes." Here is God's word to me for the rest of this internship:

"Brianna, why not take risks LOVING people? Others will say how you could have loved better, but no one will be able to say that you could have loved MORE."

So with that, I'm going to flail. I'm going to look ridiculous in a cage wearing a weight belt as a 200lb titan shoots a water polo ball at my face... but eventually, I'm going to be one of the best. Not because I'm naturally fit to it, but because I wasn't afraid to look like a fool in order to learn what it means to minister well.

Faith's Testimony on Gender

Written by Faith, and all I can say is praise God, He is sooo good! Also, may He bless the IV men on staff who have brought a lot of healing to a lot of women I know :)

I grew up in a conservative Protestant environment where I embraced, without question, the truth that men were pastors and women were Sunday school teachers. The men taught and led the adults, and the women taught and led the children. My father was a leader in that church for as long as I can remember (not the one who preached on Sunday mornings, but the one who was trusted to handle all the money, and thus important in all matters of church business). My mom was a Sunday school teacher, usually mine. It wasn’t until we left that church and entered a different religious community that I had any context for questioning my upbringing. Naturally, the first thing I did at this new church was evaluate which things were the same as my old church,which were different, and whether I was okay with the differences. This was
the first time I had a real understanding of the reality that not all communities do church the same. Moreover, not all Christians do Christianity the same. Two big things really captured my attention at this new church. First, the head of the children’s ministry was, as expected, a woman, but she was given the title of Pastor in front of her name. Second, during certain sermon series, the pastor preaching would periodically invite his wife up to speak with him. Both of these things were very different from my first church. Women were never called pastors. And they never stood on the stage on a Sunday morning unless they were a part of the worship team.
Around these experiences I was also learning that few churches have women in preaching, teaching, leadership positions over the entire church. And I was being told church should function in this way because the Bible says this is the right way to do it. (I won’t cite the epic amounts of 1Timothy, other letters of Paul, and Genesis which were used as evidence.) I never wanted to be a pastor, so I let the question rest. It never bothered me that my father’s role in the church was different than my mother’s, or even that it was not acceptable for them to switch places, because in their marriage and our home life I watched them treat each other as equals. There was never anything about these differences which felt unequal to me. But as I got older, and more critically examined WHY women didn’t/couldn’t/weren’t allowed to preach to a congregation, I kept hearing this implicit
explanation that it was because they were unable to. And as a hard-working, intelligent woman, beginning life at a women’s college, that finally became impossible to stomach. I knew my mother was able to interpret scripture and regurgitate what God revealed to her in an eloquent, captivating way. She did to me almost every day; she could do it on a Sunday morning. And I knew also that, even though I still had no desire to pastor a church, I do had the ability to interpret scripture and teach what I had learned to others. So, I began to disregard the parts of the Bible which (as interpreted to me by male pastor figures) made women and their role in the Kingdom of God inferior. (My mom once cited Galatians 3 something to me about now there is no male nor female, for we are all one in Christ Jesus, and, while I liked the ideas in that verse, it was never strong enough to combat the plethora of evidence in the Bible seemingly preaching the inferiority of women). In
my eyes, women didn’t have to cover their heads or remain silent in church or refrain from braiding their hair or any of that nonsense because Paul was just a stupid outdated man, writing in a way that esteems him and his gender by demeaning women. The problem was that my throwing away of scripture I didn’t like kind of became a habit. But the more I did this, the harder it became to relate to God and to trust in the goodness and power of the rest of the Bible. WinCon 2011 was a transformational experience for me, but not in the area of sex, dating, or relationships. WinCon was transformational because, for the first time, I received teaching, from a wise MAN I already respected, on the Genesis story in a way which finally esteemed woman as man’s equal, and biblically explained gender clashes and oppression and struggles as part of the inevitable consequences of sin, rather than part of God’s original, perfect plan. It was literally life changing for me to hear
him point to Genesis (3:16?) on the board, recognize that it’s a place of confusion and misuse in the church, and differentiate between God’s punishment that child bearing and growing food will be painful from his declaration that the inevitable result of sinful people in a sinful world, is that women’s desire WILL (meaning in the future, only after sin, not in the beginning) be for her husband, but he WILL rule over her. And if anything, this verse reflects on some level the wisdom of the writer of Genesis to understand how sin perverts God’s original plan for relations
between men and women. Now, what Paul writes doesn’t bother me so much. I don’t understand it all, and I am cautious of it’s misuse, but I don’t throw it away because I have confidence that nothing Paul says can conflict with my image of a loving God who created man and women equal in his sight.