Decisions, Decisions

Over these past 3 years, God has taught me a lot about how I make decisions. He has taught me to rely on Him, to come to Him first, to sit and listen, to "wait on the LORD". I'm starting to learn that there is more to waiting than patience and listening. Waiting implies HOPE. The Hebrew word has the connotation of hopeful waiting. God is teaching me how to Hope in Him.

One way this stands out most is in my relationship. I am deeply in love with a man named Brendan. Before we started dating, God told me a few things. He told me that we would be good for each other. What that meant, I have no clue, but I am rejoicing in the chance to learn that as we grow closer together and to our God. He also told me, before I dated anyone [which at the time was thinking about dating Brendan], I would be making a choice. On the one hand, a life of singleness which would lead me down a path of rest and peace. I wouldn't have to focus on including someone else in my life. I would be able to grow with God on my own, and rest after a year of growing in how I interacted with my family, and with my parent's divorce. On the other hand, if I chose to date, I would experience hope and gratitute. This both sounded good at the time, but when my soul was in turmoil after a painful year of depression and then bounced back during a few months of spiritual high, calm sounded perfect.

What I went on to learn that summer of being "single" was that God wasn't giving me two good choices. He was telling me that with Him, I will have rest and peace, hope and gratitute. What I didn't understand was that if I continued to make decisions to protect myself, to make sure I was ok, comfortable, rested, and ready to go... there would be no going. I would constantly long for solitude because that is where I feel most safe. People are broken and damaged, and as Meredith Grey refers to herself, so also I consider myself to be "dark and twisted"... at least I used to.

This all happened more than a year ago. I have now been with Brendan nearly 10 months. God has taught me that when He provides men and women of God, we must trust them because we trust Him. When God said we would be good for each other, He was also reassuring me that Hope and Gratitude didn't just sound nice (having never been good at experiencing either...), they were gifts from God that I could only experience when I made a decision that includes dying to myself.

Every decision is just that -- a chance to die to oneself. What I am learning is that in a relationship, you now not only surrender to God's Perfect Love, and thus His will, you also consider another person's desires above your own. With God's help, this will one day be selfless. But for now, I am just learning how to make decisions with others and considering Brendan.

Summer

It is one week into summer vacation, and God has already taught me a good deal.

He has shown me that even one day apart from Him, and I stumble almost immediately. This is something I "know" intellectually, but I often don't "feel" is true. However, during my most recent semester in college, God revealed this truth. He showed me that in the midst of hustle and bustle, if I don't pause to be with Him, then my days will become increasingly worse as my world view darkens and I become complacent. Some may find this dramatic, but if you have ever spent a day with the Perfect Creator, King, Savior, Friend, Beloved, Master, LORD, Yahweh Elohim... then I don't think you'd want to go a day without. A day without Life is death. Without Love is hate. So, why go a day without?

Summer is no different. There certainly hasn't been any hustling or bustling. I've been a lazy bum with Brendan (after a wonderful week on Catalina, I've had a wonderful week enjoying his company and home and sleep and tv and Halo 3 and family and pets and food...) But, a slow paced summer doesn't exclude the above statements. Though I now have the "rest" I've needed after a full year, I don't find Rest apart from my Master, my Maker. I also can't find Life or Love anywhere else.

This summer, I want to be disciplined in reading the Word, praying for family, friends, Scripps, 3CIV, the world, and witnessing, ministering to, and exhorting my loved ones. I also want to be committed to the character work God will do in me as I have a slow summer to meditate on Him, His love, His vision, His character, and all His other wonderful qualities. I humbly ask anyone who reads this to hold me to that. To ask me how my relationship with God is going... cuz God knows how much I need community to aid in my growth. And, don't be taken aback when I ask you the very same questions.

Let us grow in God together, even during the summer :)