Before you freak out, my title is straight outta Luke 8. That's right-crazy sea knocking a tiny boat around full of scared disciples and a sleeping Jesus. There fear was REAL. Their fear was "rational." Their fear consumed them to the point that they TOLD Jesus the outcome. They didn't ask for help. They didn't tell Him "we might die!" They said, flat out, "Master, Master, we are going to drown!"
In their minds: Jesus, do you care? How the hell can He sleep in this storm? We're going to die, inform Him of the situation.
And the past few weeks, I think I've been in a storm, a war on all fronts (sorry to switch imagery). Seriously though, I've felt overwhelmed by my job. My boss is constantly adding more to my plate (much of it last minute). My internship has been quite exhausting at times. My relationship with Brendan has been full of conflict. I have been lacking community or not taking advantage of the community I do have. More or less, I've been feeling the whipping of the wind, the lashing of the waves, and fearing my boat [life] would capsize.
I've recently been hit by a few truths about God, encouraged in many ways. I will try to sum up.
When feeling like I have no purpose at CSULB, I am reminded that Chapter Planting, as Eddy and Sarah would say, is NOT sexy. It is, however, God's work and desire. So when I'm running errands, cooking for 20, driving people all over, spending days on campus when no one shows up, sitting in on things I'm not directly "leading," playing awkward games or forcing awkward conversations, Jesus is all the while using me to gather, to serve, to model hospitality, to listen to the deeper heart cries underneath the casual conversation, to build trust, to spread joy, to build community, to help students forget about their current stress, to interpret for students what God is doing in their lives, to let students get to know me, to LOVE students despite my own brokenness.
When feeling like work is too much, I am reminded that I have the opportunity to share the love of Christ with an adorable little girl. I can encourage her and support her, I can teach her and coach her, I can share about my faith and listen as she talks about hers. I get to LOVE her, despite my own brokenness.
And when I feel like I have failed Brendan or he has failed me, I am reminded of God's good promise to me/us before we started dating: "You and Brendan will be good for one another." So when we fight over stupid things, when we are stuck in bad patterns, when we are selfish, when we are tired and unable to love well, when we are grumpy, when we hold on to bitterness, when we suck at life...Jesus shows me that He has a plan for us, He shows me the ways we have encouraged one another and built each other up. He shows us that we are more than our faults and failures. He shows me that I can, indeed, LOVE despite my own brokenness.
More than loving through brokenness, Luke 8 taught me that Jesus doesn't always put us in situations to work on our character (yes, He deeply wants to transform us.) Sometimes, He transforms us through circumstances, but sometimes He changes our circumstances so that we trust Him and ask Him to transform us.
So while I know God is doing much IN me, here is my prayer:
- That interning would not be so exhausting and overwhelming, that it would get easier and that God would bring 20 students to fall con.
- That work would not be so stressful, but my boss would be on top of things and realize how much she has been asking of me.
- That Brendan and I would break through our bad habits, but also, that we would just have more joy overall.
My Jesus cares about my heart and my character, and it has taken me a looong time to realize this truth. But what I have lost/forgotten along the way is that my Jesus ALSO cares about my circumstances and He has the power and the compassion to change them!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Stones by the Jordan (things to remember):
I thought I'd share with you things God has been doing, since that IS the point of this blog after all ;)
Bonfire.
I got lost with two students, F and N. They were very patient with me, even though we were an HOUR late to the beach bonfire. We got to talk, get to know each other, and hang out. I believe God used that time for a reason (admittedly I was annoyed at the lack of clarity in directions AT THE TIME, and I felt guilty because we had the fire wood... but God had something else in mind!)
Soul Thirst.
I think there was 12-15 of us? It was a decent group, 4 guys came. God taught me that I have strong opinions and that sometimes it is better to hold one's tongue. In doing so, I was able to welcome a student who hadn't had a "real" conversation with anyone at CSULB until that night with me. I felt blessed (even though, at the time I didn't realize just how significant that conversation was, or how God would use that hospitality to bring this guy to our small group even though he isn't friends with anyone...YET!)
Hang outs.
We went to the movies, both times provided great opportunities to hang out with students. R came one day, N (from the bonfire) came another, along with sophomores on the Salt and Light team. These times were fun and all, but I had a hard time seeing their deeper significance (a trend right now? PERHAPS?! Haha). Anyway, R & N ended up going to IGNITE!
IGNITE.
I could right an entire blog about this, but I will be brief. God reminded me that I have spiritual authority because of my relationship with Him. He wants to use me. He has given me various gifts of the spirit in order to pour out His love onto His people. He has called me to speak His truth to believers and none believers alike. At Ignite, God used me to love 3 various people, 1 is a fellow intern whom I love. It was so amazing to be used to inspire and encourage her because I know she will be such a blessing as she leads worship at our Fall Con :) God is sooo good! Just to say, Abner was AMAZING and he brought thunder and lightning during his talk :D It was frickin' awesome! The number of people who prayed for an outpouring of the spirit was MIND BLOWING!
The afternoon sessions were fine, nothing new or breathtaking, but I did get prayer for how to be a witness to men at CSULB. I also talked some strategy with Kate and Waley. It was awesome just to talk to them about issues I'm facing and hear what they've done, and the issues they face.
Evening session was AMAZING. When Ryan spoke about people God is calling us to witness to, I broke down. God gave me a professor at Scripps who I have been praying for for 2-3 years now. Annoyed. I graduated, God, why him still? Afraid. What if I share and he doesn't accept? Fear. what if I share and YOU don't show up, God? And Doubt. What if I share the wrong thing? (Because God gave me specifically what I should say). I asked for confirmation. Right then, Ryan said "maybe you got a professor"...Damn. So I cried out because of my fear and doubt. I asked Brendan to pray over me. As he did so, I had a renewed sense of faith. I couldn't contain everything, so I went to the aisle to intercede, to worship, to cry out, to plead for the students at Ignite, to demand revival, and God spoke clearly to me. It was amazing to hear something to transformative. The pastor at Antioch, the predominantly black church I've been attending, has said that when God gives certain visions it demands life-changing actions to be taken.
God spoke to me in a way that I could not deny. Everything before this Saturday has been, in part, the old way for IV. God is bringing a new thing - new wine requires a new wineskin. We must adjust to the new things coming our way.
I heard God speak in my spirit: The Revival has begun.
One student gave her life at Ignite (THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN! What non-Christian GOES?! RIDICULOUS! INSANITY!) and 7 or so rededicated (again, Ignite is more for the on fire Christians in general, those who want to witness... WHAT?!) And all week I've been reading post after post by IV staff describing the revivals they've seen: students coming to faith, students initiating spiritual conversations, students signing up for GIGS, the Holy Spirit descending on prayer meetings and giving students gifts to prophesy and see visions. The funny thing is, I'm not surprised... but every time I read another story, God brings tears to my eyes -- He spoke truly. The revival has begun!
Bonfire.
I got lost with two students, F and N. They were very patient with me, even though we were an HOUR late to the beach bonfire. We got to talk, get to know each other, and hang out. I believe God used that time for a reason (admittedly I was annoyed at the lack of clarity in directions AT THE TIME, and I felt guilty because we had the fire wood... but God had something else in mind!)
Soul Thirst.
I think there was 12-15 of us? It was a decent group, 4 guys came. God taught me that I have strong opinions and that sometimes it is better to hold one's tongue. In doing so, I was able to welcome a student who hadn't had a "real" conversation with anyone at CSULB until that night with me. I felt blessed (even though, at the time I didn't realize just how significant that conversation was, or how God would use that hospitality to bring this guy to our small group even though he isn't friends with anyone...YET!)
Hang outs.
We went to the movies, both times provided great opportunities to hang out with students. R came one day, N (from the bonfire) came another, along with sophomores on the Salt and Light team. These times were fun and all, but I had a hard time seeing their deeper significance (a trend right now? PERHAPS?! Haha). Anyway, R & N ended up going to IGNITE!
IGNITE.
I could right an entire blog about this, but I will be brief. God reminded me that I have spiritual authority because of my relationship with Him. He wants to use me. He has given me various gifts of the spirit in order to pour out His love onto His people. He has called me to speak His truth to believers and none believers alike. At Ignite, God used me to love 3 various people, 1 is a fellow intern whom I love. It was so amazing to be used to inspire and encourage her because I know she will be such a blessing as she leads worship at our Fall Con :) God is sooo good! Just to say, Abner was AMAZING and he brought thunder and lightning during his talk :D It was frickin' awesome! The number of people who prayed for an outpouring of the spirit was MIND BLOWING!
The afternoon sessions were fine, nothing new or breathtaking, but I did get prayer for how to be a witness to men at CSULB. I also talked some strategy with Kate and Waley. It was awesome just to talk to them about issues I'm facing and hear what they've done, and the issues they face.
Evening session was AMAZING. When Ryan spoke about people God is calling us to witness to, I broke down. God gave me a professor at Scripps who I have been praying for for 2-3 years now. Annoyed. I graduated, God, why him still? Afraid. What if I share and he doesn't accept? Fear. what if I share and YOU don't show up, God? And Doubt. What if I share the wrong thing? (Because God gave me specifically what I should say). I asked for confirmation. Right then, Ryan said "maybe you got a professor"...Damn. So I cried out because of my fear and doubt. I asked Brendan to pray over me. As he did so, I had a renewed sense of faith. I couldn't contain everything, so I went to the aisle to intercede, to worship, to cry out, to plead for the students at Ignite, to demand revival, and God spoke clearly to me. It was amazing to hear something to transformative. The pastor at Antioch, the predominantly black church I've been attending, has said that when God gives certain visions it demands life-changing actions to be taken.
God spoke to me in a way that I could not deny. Everything before this Saturday has been, in part, the old way for IV. God is bringing a new thing - new wine requires a new wineskin. We must adjust to the new things coming our way.
I heard God speak in my spirit: The Revival has begun.
One student gave her life at Ignite (THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN! What non-Christian GOES?! RIDICULOUS! INSANITY!) and 7 or so rededicated (again, Ignite is more for the on fire Christians in general, those who want to witness... WHAT?!) And all week I've been reading post after post by IV staff describing the revivals they've seen: students coming to faith, students initiating spiritual conversations, students signing up for GIGS, the Holy Spirit descending on prayer meetings and giving students gifts to prophesy and see visions. The funny thing is, I'm not surprised... but every time I read another story, God brings tears to my eyes -- He spoke truly. The revival has begun!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)