Please read my October Update before you read my spiritual insights on all God is doing. Thank you.
***
So, in light of all the good things God is doing, yet all my inner turmoil, what am I learning?
I get the image of water polo my sophomore year of high school. I had played during my freshman year in the "field" as a driver. I had a decent knowledge of the game, I was fast, and I could pass, catch, and shoot a ball. Basically, I had key water polo skills. My coach saw in me something more: I had strong legs, a good reach, decent reflexes (to be developed more) and a great breast stroke kick (something from swim that he found a new use for.) My coach asked me to be a goalie. I was extremely hesitant, and honestly, very angry. I had spent all summer between freshman and sophomore year training to be the fastest swimmer on the team, to be a strong field player. Honestly, I wanted to score goals. So I was PISSED when he told me he needed me in cage. He told me about all of my attributes that would prove beneficial, but I was still upset. Eventually, I came around. But I knew that, if I was to be goalie during our winter season, I wanted a head start on training. So, I began going to guys' practices. I trained with them, hardly blocking a thing the first practices. I wore weight belts (which SUCKED back then). I trained 3 hours a day OUT of my season. I swam. I did drills. And I clung to every peice of advice either of my coaches offered. I was there to learn. It didn't matter that a million shots got scored on me, so long as I was becoming better.
That was a long analogy, so thank you for sticking it out. Truth is, I need that attitude back. I need to look at these two years as the pre-season. It isn't that I'm not a campus minister yet-I am, even if not "full time." But, intern year is like pre-season training. My blunders can be many, so long as I'm growing stronger in faith and my skills are being developed. I came into the internship with a lot of skills-relational, sharing vulnerably, a healthy dependence on community, my faith, my love for justice, my heart for non-believers, teaching, hearing God's voice-but these skills are no where near what they could be at, given more training. The issue is I came into the internship having been a "rock star" on my campus. Now, I'm learning all over again. Yes, I have skills...but I don't know how to apply them in this new place. Yes, I know a lot about ministry, but I require a new perspective (just like a game looks different in the field than in the goal.)
What needs to change? I need to be ok with this new environment being unfamiliar, with my skills being sub-par, with my attempts resulting more in exhaustion from a long day getting better than numerous "successes." Here is God's word to me for the rest of this internship:
"Brianna, why not take risks LOVING people? Others will say how you could have loved better, but no one will be able to say that you could have loved MORE."
So with that, I'm going to flail. I'm going to look ridiculous in a cage wearing a weight belt as a 200lb titan shoots a water polo ball at my face... but eventually, I'm going to be one of the best. Not because I'm naturally fit to it, but because I wasn't afraid to look like a fool in order to learn what it means to minister well.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
October Update
The past two weeks have been amazing, and challenging:
-I led Bible study about the friends bringing the paralytic to Jesus. We talked about what it would look like to have a "roof ripping faith" and how, as a community of believers, we can bring each other (and our non-Christian friends) before Jesus. Some students shared deeply about what has been going on while their fellows prayed over them. We also challenged one another to offer prayer to a non-Christian friend during the week. Another Bible study we talked about being community and being missional. The talk was short, because we then went out and brought donuts to the students in the dorms and offered to clean. Some people had really deep experiences of being used by God, and it was awesome! One student went to her acquaintance’s dorm. They were talked, and the girl revealed some personal things. They offered to pray for her, and the girl felt so blessed by it all. The IV student later said “I never knew God could use me like that.” AMEN!
-I was on campus studying with a student. She left, and I wanted to leave campus… I was feeling useless being on campus with no one to spend time with. God told me to stick around. I brought my book to a comfy study area and started reading. The guy I set by asked me about my book. This turned into a longer conversation, where I eventually talked about being a Christian and working with IV. He said “that is a weird book for a Christian to read.” And I was able to talk about the Christian author and the various themes of mercy, justice, love and redemption throughout the book. His friends joined him, and I left having a study spot to return to. I got to hang out with them about 4 more times over the few weeks. I even brought them cookies once, just to love them… they think I’m “cool”…which is awesome, but I want them to know that Jesus loves them. They know I work with IV and are open to hanging out with me, so I guess that’s a start
-We’re starting a mini-series about community. We talked about Christian community being more than at Bible study or Soul Thirst. Sarah said people can DO things together—hang out, grab meals, STUDY together. Things I took for granted at 3CIV (it’s what you do!) are things that were once taught to students at the Claremont Colleges. Sarah and I have the privilege of forming a community that deeply loves Jesus and one another. It’s like being on the front lines; it’s avant-garde. It’s exciting and scary and challenging and exhausting and awesome. We talked about offering rides to one another, praying together, asking each other how we’re doing and REALLY listening. Another week Natalia came from PCC to talk about multi-ethnic community. She ROCKED it! She spoke vulnerably but honestly, and mostly emphasized how the church, and even IV, often acts like the topic of multi-ethnicity is scary. She kept saying “it’s supposed to be FUN!” We always act like prejudices must be broken by serious conversations. This is true and necessary… but prejudices also break in relationship, and relationships are FUN! She gave us a “race interview” to conduct at CSULB. The students are supposed to go to someone of a different ethnicity than their own and ask them a series of questions on a sheet (about how the students experiences race at CSULB, etc.) The hope is that through these conversations, the students learn 1)it doesn’t have to be scary, 2) how to talk to/approach someone different from them, 3) gospel is revealed through loving cross-culturally, and 4)the gospel can be explained and the person invited to get to know Jesus.
-All in all, there is a lot happening. Which brings me to how I’m doing:
Things are good, and I have many things to be thankful for—Sarah and I continue to grow as ministry partners (and friends!), students are sharing more openly about their lives and spirituality within community, students are beginning to be more missional, students are hanging out together, God is providing conversation opportunities for myself and others.
Things are also hard. I’ve been really tired. Sarah and I revised my schedule, so hopefully that will help.
-I’ve been feeling unable to go on campus, and really needing Bible Study Tuesday nights to get my butt in gear. I want to be excited, come Monday, to go to campus… but lately, it has been hard.
- I want loving students to make the transition from being super-intentional to reflexive. I think I’m being hard on myself here: it takes time, and real love isn’t led by “feeling” it but DOING it. Still, it would be nice to have the emotions to back up the actions.
-As God breaks my heart for so many people and so many aspects of campus and student life, I find myself feeling unable to address everything. I feel so limited, and even within those small limits, I feel maxed out. I desperately need to know where He is leading and simply follow, because I have no clue what I’m doing most days.
-I’m struggling with being very strategic. It doesn’t come naturally to me. I take life in stride, and live much more in the moment than I ever thought possible. I don’t plan what conversations need to happen very well in advance, I simply bring them up when I see they are necessary. I also don’t know everyone well enough yet to naturally think “I should talk to them about this…” which makes me feel insecure—why don’t I know them well enough yet? Will it ever “come naturally” or will it always require so much effort?
-I desperately want to feel significant. To this, God continues to challenge me: “Bri, if nothing happened this year except that you learned to trust Me and love Me more, would that be enough?” Right now… I often find myself answering “no…because that seems like a waste.” And God keeps saying “But it would be, because I love YOU and care for YOU.” … it’s so hard to be in this place of constantly thinking about students, strategically planning things, thinking of “next steps” for the 3 I am to invest in, and yet God keeps saying “you may not see fruit…but it is still worth it.” Ugh.
I have a deeper insight on this I will post in a separate blog, because this one is too long.
-I led Bible study about the friends bringing the paralytic to Jesus. We talked about what it would look like to have a "roof ripping faith" and how, as a community of believers, we can bring each other (and our non-Christian friends) before Jesus. Some students shared deeply about what has been going on while their fellows prayed over them. We also challenged one another to offer prayer to a non-Christian friend during the week. Another Bible study we talked about being community and being missional. The talk was short, because we then went out and brought donuts to the students in the dorms and offered to clean. Some people had really deep experiences of being used by God, and it was awesome! One student went to her acquaintance’s dorm. They were talked, and the girl revealed some personal things. They offered to pray for her, and the girl felt so blessed by it all. The IV student later said “I never knew God could use me like that.” AMEN!
-I was on campus studying with a student. She left, and I wanted to leave campus… I was feeling useless being on campus with no one to spend time with. God told me to stick around. I brought my book to a comfy study area and started reading. The guy I set by asked me about my book. This turned into a longer conversation, where I eventually talked about being a Christian and working with IV. He said “that is a weird book for a Christian to read.” And I was able to talk about the Christian author and the various themes of mercy, justice, love and redemption throughout the book. His friends joined him, and I left having a study spot to return to. I got to hang out with them about 4 more times over the few weeks. I even brought them cookies once, just to love them… they think I’m “cool”…which is awesome, but I want them to know that Jesus loves them. They know I work with IV and are open to hanging out with me, so I guess that’s a start
-We’re starting a mini-series about community. We talked about Christian community being more than at Bible study or Soul Thirst. Sarah said people can DO things together—hang out, grab meals, STUDY together. Things I took for granted at 3CIV (it’s what you do!) are things that were once taught to students at the Claremont Colleges. Sarah and I have the privilege of forming a community that deeply loves Jesus and one another. It’s like being on the front lines; it’s avant-garde. It’s exciting and scary and challenging and exhausting and awesome. We talked about offering rides to one another, praying together, asking each other how we’re doing and REALLY listening. Another week Natalia came from PCC to talk about multi-ethnic community. She ROCKED it! She spoke vulnerably but honestly, and mostly emphasized how the church, and even IV, often acts like the topic of multi-ethnicity is scary. She kept saying “it’s supposed to be FUN!” We always act like prejudices must be broken by serious conversations. This is true and necessary… but prejudices also break in relationship, and relationships are FUN! She gave us a “race interview” to conduct at CSULB. The students are supposed to go to someone of a different ethnicity than their own and ask them a series of questions on a sheet (about how the students experiences race at CSULB, etc.) The hope is that through these conversations, the students learn 1)it doesn’t have to be scary, 2) how to talk to/approach someone different from them, 3) gospel is revealed through loving cross-culturally, and 4)the gospel can be explained and the person invited to get to know Jesus.
-All in all, there is a lot happening. Which brings me to how I’m doing:
Things are good, and I have many things to be thankful for—Sarah and I continue to grow as ministry partners (and friends!), students are sharing more openly about their lives and spirituality within community, students are beginning to be more missional, students are hanging out together, God is providing conversation opportunities for myself and others.
Things are also hard. I’ve been really tired. Sarah and I revised my schedule, so hopefully that will help.
-I’ve been feeling unable to go on campus, and really needing Bible Study Tuesday nights to get my butt in gear. I want to be excited, come Monday, to go to campus… but lately, it has been hard.
- I want loving students to make the transition from being super-intentional to reflexive. I think I’m being hard on myself here: it takes time, and real love isn’t led by “feeling” it but DOING it. Still, it would be nice to have the emotions to back up the actions.
-As God breaks my heart for so many people and so many aspects of campus and student life, I find myself feeling unable to address everything. I feel so limited, and even within those small limits, I feel maxed out. I desperately need to know where He is leading and simply follow, because I have no clue what I’m doing most days.
-I’m struggling with being very strategic. It doesn’t come naturally to me. I take life in stride, and live much more in the moment than I ever thought possible. I don’t plan what conversations need to happen very well in advance, I simply bring them up when I see they are necessary. I also don’t know everyone well enough yet to naturally think “I should talk to them about this…” which makes me feel insecure—why don’t I know them well enough yet? Will it ever “come naturally” or will it always require so much effort?
-I desperately want to feel significant. To this, God continues to challenge me: “Bri, if nothing happened this year except that you learned to trust Me and love Me more, would that be enough?” Right now… I often find myself answering “no…because that seems like a waste.” And God keeps saying “But it would be, because I love YOU and care for YOU.” … it’s so hard to be in this place of constantly thinking about students, strategically planning things, thinking of “next steps” for the 3 I am to invest in, and yet God keeps saying “you may not see fruit…but it is still worth it.” Ugh.
I have a deeper insight on this I will post in a separate blog, because this one is too long.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Seeing (Fall Conference)
This past weekend was our annual fall conference. IV owns a camp out on Catalina Island called Campus By the Sea (CBS). It is an amazing place where I have experienced God so many times, including this weekend.
CSULB InterVarsity, being in only its 3rd year on campus, had SEVENTEEN students attend! (Last year, 5 came... and it was an awkward group of 5 and a rough conference in general.) Of the 17, FOUR were non-Christians! I shall revisit this number momentarily.
Logistics for getting to fall con were stressful: some students went to the wrong dock, and some were running really late, and someone locked their keys in the car. However, God is good, and He got everyone to the dock before the boat left! Praise Him! (we weren't even the last school to have everyone arrive). In the end it all worked out, but it left me feeling a bit frazzled. That ended once on the boat (I love the trip over the ocean!) and hanging out with students, especially the MILLIONS of pictures taken. I swear, check out facebook and you'll see more pictures of me at Catalina from this one weekend than all my 4 years combined! Hah.
Anywho, one student got sea sick pretty bad, but I prayed for her that she wouldn't throw up and stood with her outside. She did NOT throw up, and even just getting back on land she felt better really quickly (which is unusual for her). Praise God!
Friday Night Erna introduced herself and everyone loved her personality, but more importantly, everyone heard more about the Kingdom of God and seemed to be excited to hear more on Saturday.
Saturday morning was a deep session. One of our non-Christian students broke down crying, and I felt God say "let her sit in this, then comfort her, then let her sit in this with Me." So I did... but when I saw her crying, and talked to her, I felt God's presence and Spirit with her, as if waiting all around her to be let in. It was so powerful I cried with her and told her what she was feeling was from God. I also talked with a non-CSULB student who was going through a lot of family stuff. God gave me a Psalm to share with her. (Later in the weekend, she hugged me and told me the Psalm blessed her, and she was very grateful and hoped to see me again. It is so crazy how God does that!!)
My small group at Catalina was half of the CSULB students, and people shared really vulnerably. I shared some about my family/relationship with my dad, and then about five other students shared about crazy family situations. It was a great time of openness and beginning to see how God has authority over everything-even our crazy family stuff.
Sat. afternoon was a lot of FUN! I snorkled, sat in the sun chattin with a non-Christian student, hiked to the cross for an INSANE photoshoot, and played volleyball (we WON 26-24! So fun! I think I dove too much... my right knee is swollen... uh oh).
Sat. night was THE BEST. It began with God calling me to go outside and walk around the building praying. Check. To get on my knees, and cry out for MY/HIS people. Check. To go prostrate myself before the LORD. (I asked if it could be inside instead of on the dirt around camp. God said that was ok.) Check. And then, the Holy Spirit filled me and I prayed and interceded as I never could alone. It was AMAZING...and draining, and AWESOME! So I cleaned up my gross crying-face and went back inside to worship and listen to Erna give an epic sermon on sitting at Jesus' table, on His authoirty and compassion, and on making decisions for the Kingdom of God rather than the Kingdom of the World. EPIC.
And, at the end of the night...
CSULB had TWO NEW CHRISTIANS!!!!! And so did OTHER campuses!!!! GOD IS SO GOOD!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!
One of my students actually stood up to the challenge to be more MISSIONAL on campus before the call to become a Christian (because it was the last call given). I looked at her thinking "she isn't a Christian...how is she going to be missional???" and God said "Oh, Bri...WAIT for it!" and when she stood for the call, I was crying yet again. It was awesome! And she shared the next morning how she wants to bring Jesus to her Sorority sisters! How she wants to be a LIGHT at CSULB! PRAISE GOD! The other student had been in my SG, and I know God has some GOOD healing for her in her family. She is also PUMPED for the REAL Black Student Conference in Nov. and is encouraging her friends to go with her! AMEN!
I have more to reflect on personally, but I thought y'all should here the AMAZING news!!!
Not a single person with CSULB went untouched. The two non-Christians who did not commit to Jesus as their savior DID commit to being OPEN to JESUS this semester! AMEN! PRAISE GOD! And I felt like He promised them this semester and this year, that we would see them join the KOG soon enough! PRAISE JESUS! (in advance, for He KEEPS HIS PROMISES!) And EVERY Christian student said they wanted to be MORE MISSIONAL on campus, they wanted to be BOLD, they want to share God's GOODNESS and LOVE with others! With EVERYONE! They want to invite other people to the BANQUET! AMEN!
Anyway, I'm out. God is so good! REVIVAL has come to LONG BEACH!
CSULB InterVarsity, being in only its 3rd year on campus, had SEVENTEEN students attend! (Last year, 5 came... and it was an awkward group of 5 and a rough conference in general.) Of the 17, FOUR were non-Christians! I shall revisit this number momentarily.
Logistics for getting to fall con were stressful: some students went to the wrong dock, and some were running really late, and someone locked their keys in the car. However, God is good, and He got everyone to the dock before the boat left! Praise Him! (we weren't even the last school to have everyone arrive). In the end it all worked out, but it left me feeling a bit frazzled. That ended once on the boat (I love the trip over the ocean!) and hanging out with students, especially the MILLIONS of pictures taken. I swear, check out facebook and you'll see more pictures of me at Catalina from this one weekend than all my 4 years combined! Hah.
Anywho, one student got sea sick pretty bad, but I prayed for her that she wouldn't throw up and stood with her outside. She did NOT throw up, and even just getting back on land she felt better really quickly (which is unusual for her). Praise God!
Friday Night Erna introduced herself and everyone loved her personality, but more importantly, everyone heard more about the Kingdom of God and seemed to be excited to hear more on Saturday.
Saturday morning was a deep session. One of our non-Christian students broke down crying, and I felt God say "let her sit in this, then comfort her, then let her sit in this with Me." So I did... but when I saw her crying, and talked to her, I felt God's presence and Spirit with her, as if waiting all around her to be let in. It was so powerful I cried with her and told her what she was feeling was from God. I also talked with a non-CSULB student who was going through a lot of family stuff. God gave me a Psalm to share with her. (Later in the weekend, she hugged me and told me the Psalm blessed her, and she was very grateful and hoped to see me again. It is so crazy how God does that!!)
My small group at Catalina was half of the CSULB students, and people shared really vulnerably. I shared some about my family/relationship with my dad, and then about five other students shared about crazy family situations. It was a great time of openness and beginning to see how God has authority over everything-even our crazy family stuff.
Sat. afternoon was a lot of FUN! I snorkled, sat in the sun chattin with a non-Christian student, hiked to the cross for an INSANE photoshoot, and played volleyball (we WON 26-24! So fun! I think I dove too much... my right knee is swollen... uh oh).
Sat. night was THE BEST. It began with God calling me to go outside and walk around the building praying. Check. To get on my knees, and cry out for MY/HIS people. Check. To go prostrate myself before the LORD. (I asked if it could be inside instead of on the dirt around camp. God said that was ok.) Check. And then, the Holy Spirit filled me and I prayed and interceded as I never could alone. It was AMAZING...and draining, and AWESOME! So I cleaned up my gross crying-face and went back inside to worship and listen to Erna give an epic sermon on sitting at Jesus' table, on His authoirty and compassion, and on making decisions for the Kingdom of God rather than the Kingdom of the World. EPIC.
And, at the end of the night...
CSULB had TWO NEW CHRISTIANS!!!!! And so did OTHER campuses!!!! GOD IS SO GOOD!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!
One of my students actually stood up to the challenge to be more MISSIONAL on campus before the call to become a Christian (because it was the last call given). I looked at her thinking "she isn't a Christian...how is she going to be missional???" and God said "Oh, Bri...WAIT for it!" and when she stood for the call, I was crying yet again. It was awesome! And she shared the next morning how she wants to bring Jesus to her Sorority sisters! How she wants to be a LIGHT at CSULB! PRAISE GOD! The other student had been in my SG, and I know God has some GOOD healing for her in her family. She is also PUMPED for the REAL Black Student Conference in Nov. and is encouraging her friends to go with her! AMEN!
I have more to reflect on personally, but I thought y'all should here the AMAZING news!!!
Not a single person with CSULB went untouched. The two non-Christians who did not commit to Jesus as their savior DID commit to being OPEN to JESUS this semester! AMEN! PRAISE GOD! And I felt like He promised them this semester and this year, that we would see them join the KOG soon enough! PRAISE JESUS! (in advance, for He KEEPS HIS PROMISES!) And EVERY Christian student said they wanted to be MORE MISSIONAL on campus, they wanted to be BOLD, they want to share God's GOODNESS and LOVE with others! With EVERYONE! They want to invite other people to the BANQUET! AMEN!
Anyway, I'm out. God is so good! REVIVAL has come to LONG BEACH!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
For His Namesake (lay it on the line)
Jesus, are you up to the challenge? You say "I lead you on the right path for my namesake." (Psalm 23). Because of You, I let go of my selfish desire to keep reading and ignore the guy who sat down in front of me. Because of you, I talked to him about his broken arm. Because of you, I asked him about himself and talked to rando-guy instead of leaving. Because of you, I offered to pray for the pain to go away, and You urged me to pray for more.
So Jesus, are you up to the challenge? This guy's arm was broken for ONE MONTH before he had insurance to put it in a cast. Now, the pain is so bad but he doesn't want to take pain killers (because some of his friends got addicted to them, and he "lost" them, whatever that means...You know). So Jesus, will you remove the pain? Will you, from now until the cast is removed, set the bones right? 4 Weeks from now, will he even remember that I prayed for him in YOUR NAME?
Jesus, it is Your namesake on the line. Jesus, I was this guy to know You, Your love, Your peace, Your hope, Your comfort, Your might, Your power, Your glory. But ultimately, the choice is Yours.
I believe I serve a loving God with the power to heal all wounds - physical, emotional, spiritual. Jesus...in YOUR name I prayed. You are not a God of disappointments.
I will revisit this again, Jesus. In four weeks, I expect a man healed of so much more than a broken arm. As a man filled with the Holy Spirit recently reminded me, "My God loves these kind of challenges." The clock is ticking.
So Jesus, are you up to the challenge? This guy's arm was broken for ONE MONTH before he had insurance to put it in a cast. Now, the pain is so bad but he doesn't want to take pain killers (because some of his friends got addicted to them, and he "lost" them, whatever that means...You know). So Jesus, will you remove the pain? Will you, from now until the cast is removed, set the bones right? 4 Weeks from now, will he even remember that I prayed for him in YOUR NAME?
Jesus, it is Your namesake on the line. Jesus, I was this guy to know You, Your love, Your peace, Your hope, Your comfort, Your might, Your power, Your glory. But ultimately, the choice is Yours.
I believe I serve a loving God with the power to heal all wounds - physical, emotional, spiritual. Jesus...in YOUR name I prayed. You are not a God of disappointments.
I will revisit this again, Jesus. In four weeks, I expect a man healed of so much more than a broken arm. As a man filled with the Holy Spirit recently reminded me, "My God loves these kind of challenges." The clock is ticking.
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