Ah, the bread and butter of IV :P

IV talks about intentional investing like it is the secret of life, the bread and butter. The Kingdom of God is built on it. Jesus wrote the book; it's important stuff! It's the thing to do. It's the best way to build relationships. You pick a few people and you pour into them (like your life... or THEIR life depended on it...)


Year One of Intentional Investment Training:

We find me, a sophomore Bri, trying to hide my insecurities as I faithfully meet people in my dorm. I'm scared and nervous and don't get very far passing out the welcome cookies (also foundational in the IV community!). I have a GIG (God Investigation Group). I don't spend a ton of time with any of them outside of the group, mostly cuz I don't know if we're "friends" or if I'm just Jesus-girl to them. So, I just see them weekly and try to do little things to encourage. Most of these nice things happen because I want to look like a "good leader"... so it doesn't get me far that first semester. Second semester, one of the girls becomes a Christian at Can This Wait conference on Catalina. While she gives me credit, I just thank Jesus for the chance to watch her transform and grow. I feel like He is taking me for a ride, and this whole "love" thing really is an investment.

Year Two: (Junior year)
I'm a small group leader for the first time. I am still infected with acute "good leader" disease; my insecurities, when it comes to loving the girls in my small group, are THROUGH THE ROOF! I think that no matter what happens, we're not going deep enough. We aren't vulnerable or genuine enough. We aren't close enough. We don't do enough missional things in the dorm. God gives me a wake up call when at the end of the first semester, all the members say we are a COMMUNITY, we are CLOSE, and they can say stuff here they can't talk about anywhere else. I've also been discipling one girl, and I feel like a total failure there too. This doesn't go away after the first semester. I continue to "lead" her, whatever that means... second semester, God doesn't just wake me up. He slams me against the wall with nothing but the brute force of His untameable love. I look at Him in awe. My SG still isn't "doing" enough together, but then I realize that they share in pairs and pray for each other and send each other out into the MISSION FIELD that is Scripps College (and the Claremont colleges). I'm blown away by all that they do: the service, the conversations with friends, their prayers, their hearts! By the end of second semester, God uses my "disciplee" (the girl I was mentoring) to show me how I can be used to affect another person's life. God uses people to love each other, to challenge and encourage one another. I see this more clearly, and God shows me that I can, in fact, be used by Him to do amazing things.

Year Three (senior year):
Less insecure overall (THANK THE LORD!) I feel ok in my own skin. God transforms my view on relationships (aka: I CAN TRUST NOW!). This is good, cuz God is done with the floaties. Before I've even gotten good at my strokes, He is throwing me in the deep end. I'm "leading leaders" and I don't know how to invest, or what it looks like. At first, I think it means checking in with everyone all the time. This lasts... oh, a week? It then changes to just being around the people I'm around. I feel like a lazy slacker. I'm not super "intentional," I'm not going out of my way. I just "be" around other people. I've yet to see what this has contributed to, though I faithfully love til the end (of my love, then I pray that God comes in and either refills me or takes over using someone else).

Then, something happens. I'm at home over winter break and I'm coaching the OG goalies and... I love these girls. I've known them less than a week (only two hours together over a few days thus far) and I love them. It makes no sense. It takes me by surprise. What is going on? I work them til their legs are jello and I'm dying. Then, the idea sparks--after practice, I should take the two goalies out for smoothies! We get smoothies and then go to the team pot luck. I'm laughing and joking with a bunch of high school girls like I belong.

I don't belong. I'm definitely an outsider. I'm sure some think it's weird I'm chilling with them, I'm not even a real coach or anything. But there I am, laughing and jokin. Getting to know them. I don't even realize it until most of them have left and I'm getting ready to leave:

Intentional investing has become genuine love.

Oh snap, GOD! I didn't even know it was HAPPENING?! You're ridiculous and sneaky. I feel a bit tricked. This used to feel like work. It used to require intentionally going out of my way to do stuff for other people. Left me feeling exhausted and tired. Now, I just have this high... sort of the feeling that LOVING people is what it's all about.

Yeah, that sounds profound... let's go with that: Loving people is what it is all about.

Where are you?

God incarnate to die for us. God didn't come half way. He didn't build a bridge. He WAS the bridge. Jesus loved with every fiber of his being. Compassion comes from the depths of a person. (I'd define the Greek, but it isn't that important... plus Brendan hates it when I do that, haha).

So, while we spend time talking about issues left and right (literally, leftish and right-wing opinions) Jesus was walking. Living. Loving.

Jesus wasn't an activist who spoke about hot topics, He took others' lives onto Himself. He doesn't just notive the burdens and talk about a flawed system. He doesn't respond with sympathy, or even empathy. He responds with full on, hardcore, radical compassion. He LIVES our lives with us. He doesn't see divisions. He isn't aware of insiders and outsiders. Only people with lives who need love and true life. He doesn't see flaws. He sees the need behind the flaw. He isn't a God of disappointment, but of grace.

I don't want to sit contently with the nice God-in-a-box Jesus. The more I learn, the more I see Jesus wasn't nice. He was INSANE to love the way He did. Does. Always has and always will.

Merry God-Loved-YOU-enough-to-come-into-this-messed-up-world Day!
Codename: Christmas

Inspired by Gregory Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart :D

What do i know?

I thought I could blog about my experiences growing with God over a break... now I wonder why I thought that at all. God, You seem so close to me... and yet I feel unable to put into words the things You teach me and show me.

This isn't pretend humility. I have nothing worth writing. God is teaching me and growing me, but I'm starting to feel like I don't know enough or grasp enough. I don't mean "enough" in a scale sense, but in a "can I honestly claim to teach others this" sort of way... I'll think more on this, but for now, this is all I have (and it is about the holiday).

Tomorrow is Christmas eve. We will be going to church to celebrate my God. My God, One who loves enough to touch down into this jacked up, messy world. (Loves. God so loved, but it wasn't a one time deal. He died for our sins, but there is EVEN more. HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!) This world He created and called "good" we look at and call "terrible" "sinful" "dark" "tormented" "evil" "broken" ... but I believe My God came down, My God redeemed it. It is broken, undeniably so. What little I have seen of poverty and hatred and greed tell me so. It is dark, evil even. BUT... it is GOOD. There is GOOD in this world. If nothing else, I choose to see it and to celebrate it the way God once did. To see and celebrate my God and His heart for silly people, like myself! There is bad, but there is GOOD. HIS GOOD. It is in this world; God, give me the grace to see as You see. To see the broken. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. And as that happens, let me see You at work in the broken places. Let me see Your glory. Let me is good in the bad, the light in the darkest places. Let me see HOPE in the hopeless. Let me see the BEST of people the way You do.

With that, Happy God-Reached-Out-Touched-Loved-and-Redeemed-the-world Day :)

Quick to Listen

God is teaching me the value of a simple conversation: an old high school aquaintance talking deeply about her spirituality, a professor explaining his religion background, a homeless woman giving some of her story, catching up with a younger sibling, making cards with a 10 year old as she explains her Christmas plans, listening to my family express faith, and so many others in the past two weeks.

All of these interactions have a few things in common: listening more than speaking.

THIS IS HARD FOR ME!!!

Seriously. I can't say that loud or clear enough. I SUCK at listening. I have opinions, STRONG opinions. I like to make them known, more or less because I believe they are right. Now, some of these instances had a reverse response; the girl at Po Hope and the woman on the street made me silent... but not because I was really listening. I was silent out of guilt, and perhaps empathy or compassion, certainly out of awkwardness.

The point is that conversations about anything of substance are never easy, at least not to do well. There is a reason God instructs us to be "quick to listen, slow to speak" ("slow to anger" follows too). Listening is the key to understanding.

Proverbs is teeming with wisdom about inclining your ear, being attentive, seeking understanding, listening to advice or guidance, receiving commandments, and laying up wisdom (instead of speaking). There is much to be gained from listening.

Listening is an act of humility. It is saying to the other person "I believe you have something to teach me. I recognize your wisdom, your experience, the understanding you've achieved. I want to know what you know. I want to understand you better, and in doing so, understand more about life."

Speaking is an act of pride. It assumes I have something to contribute. That I know the "right" answer, that I have "good" advice ready. That my perspective is more valuable than fully understanding where YOU are coming from or what YOU have to say.

I believe in taking turns in conversation; I would say conversation requires it. However, I talk too much.

God, give me humility to listen :)

(Yes, it is strange to blog this... and while I started out thinking this is a noteworthy insight... I now think it is merely a friendly reminder, some of you may be glad and in need of it. Others, I ask you simply rejoice with me as I am re-learning this valuable concept!)

God bless!

Break: Longing and a Journey

Lounging on the couch, I’m enjoying my mommy’s holiday decorations now adorning our home. I have had one full night of sleep in a soft, warm bed and a delicious mom-made breakfast (my favorite: eggs over easy!). Life is good!

Yet things from the drive last night, on the 15 and in the rain, stick with me. Whenever I drive, the silence serves as a comfort since it is often kept from me during the hustle and bustle of college life. During such times of silence, God creeps in and we start wrestling (both hands on the wheel, or at least one, I assure you). God brings up a list of sins from this semester, which can all be boiled down to this: self before others, and more importantly, before my God. When pride, judgment and selfishness wrapped their filthy clutches around the depths of my soul, I began to put myself before God. My studies mattered more to me than time with Him. Sleep was elusive and required active pursuit… God would only get in the way. It is here that I was called to repentance, to recognize how I had lived for myself this semester and not for God.

At this point, if you are reading and are shocked, let me say this: I always live for myself and not for God. I find that the time I truly live for God are few and far between. I am not trying to be particularly hard on myself. I am matter-of-factly acknowledging my shortcomings. And for those who, at this point, think “wow, Bri’s faith is a lot about works, isn’t it?” stick with me while I finish my story.

Once I confessed, and the tears rose to my eye lids, I called out to God in total dependence. I would only repeat these same mistakes without Him. At this point, He spoke into this semester again… but with a different take.

God brought to mind all that I had done. He listed them off. I looked at the list, thinking “but God! I could have, I should have, done so much more!”

He looked at the list, smiled, and said “Brianna, my beloved daughter, I am so proud of you! Look at the ways you put others first? The ways you set yourself aside throughout this semester? Look at the ways you put ME first. The ways you let go of fear of what others would think, and you talked about me openly? I am rejoicing up here, with frickin ANGELS!” ((Yes, Jesse, that last bit was for you!))

So, here is the dilemma: do I rejoice over the semester? Do I mourn the lost time and my sin? … I think I let my response mirror God’s. Are there sins to repent of? Yes. Did I mess up? Yes. Is there a point in going on and on about it? No.

God does not dwell on our shortcomings. We do, but He doesn’t. He addresses them, and He does so boldly. He knows what we need to work on. It is NO secret to Him, the one who MADE us, the one who knows us better than we know ourselves. So, of COURSE He addresses it. But He does not do so to invoke feelings of guilt. God doesn’t need our guilt. He does so because He knows we were meant for more. ((And I think He also addresses things first, at least with me, because He knows I won’t TRUST Him until we talk about the big issues. I won’t believe He really loves me until He talks about all my flaws… then continues to love me all the same!))

But, once we converse over areas of sin, we repent, and He forgives immediately… Christ’s blood washes it all away. Together, God and I looked at my time again through a clear lens, and we can now see all the places where He was at work. Where I grew, where He used me, where He challenged me, where I lived my life for Him.

I believe these are the things God wants us to dwell on. I have and I think to some extent we all have it in our minds that God wants us to think long and hard about what we’ve done… but I don’t think this is true to His character. The only reason to think about our sin is to see God’s forgiveness and grace and love. Otherwise, we get so caught up in what we’ve done wrong that we get caught up in OURSELVES; that is the LAST thing God wants!

So, all this is to say: I am so blessed to have had such a wonderful penultimate semester. I am blessed by what I’ve seen God do, both in and through me, as well as in and through others! It has been a privilege I will NOT take for granted!
And now that place in my heart that was once so full of self is, I like to think, slightly less full. And in its place is the longing for something so much more: the presence of God.

So, I invite you to join me this break as I explore a variety of things about God. I cannot promise to write eloquently, or that I will be consistent, or that it will be worth reading. But, I’m excited and so it seems like that is reason enough to share? (Perhaps I am wrong. Feel free to let me know!)
God bless!
-Bri

Can't Sit With a Broken Heart...

I once was whole. I once had everything together. I had a plan for my future. I had passions, ambitions, goals.

Then I prayed to God, "break my heart for what breaks Yours" too many times to ignore the growing gash in the depths of my soul...

I never meant for it to happen. I never meant to break. I wanted to stay a whole being. I liked being complete. I like my plans. I like my comforts. I liked knowing what to expect out of life.

Then I asked God, "Let Thy Kingdom come, let Thy will be done" too many times to ignore the earthquakes, the tidal waves, the shaking.

I never meant for it to happen. I never meant for the world to come apart. I wanted it to stay whole and complete. I enjoyed its perfection. I enjoyed how cozy it seemed. I liked watching people go by, knowing just what to expect out of life.

I never meant for my prayer to be answered, or I realize that now. I said them with good intentions, sure... but I didn't really want the change they would bring, not then anyway. I was not ready. Two years ago, God called me to Kenya. I went, wanting to see. To become more aware of the pain in this world. I thought knowing would be enough. I thought praying good intentioned prayers would make the difference.

Then I learned that I don't pray for God to hear good intentions. My God doesn't care about nice thoughts and happy Christian phrases "peace on earth, good will towards men." My God doesn't need bumper stickers or verses hanging on my walls. My God doesn't need the Christian clothes I wear or the minutes I spend thanking Him for my food. My God doesn't need me to point to Him and say "You rock. Love ya" and then go on with my life the same way I always have.

I never meant for my prayers to be answered, or I realize that now. My good intentions seem to have gone too far. My life can't continue to be comfortable or easy. I see that now. God, You have answered my prayers.

I stand before You, a gash through my heart. I'm bleeding uncontrollably, and instead of seeking You, I've gotten upset at the pain it has caused. How can You let me bleed to death? How can I see the poorest of the poor, and be incapable of doing a thing? How can I talk to a ten year old, knowing his family has next to nothing, knowing he can't go see his favorite movie, knowing he won't get any presents this year... and be trapped?

Damnit, God! You answered me, and it hurts! I hate it, sometimes! I hate feeling like I'm dying when I remember those in pain, those suffering. I hate crying out to You on behalf of them, when I remember to. I hate it because it hurts! You answered my prayers, and it hurts!

I am not whole, not anymore. Well, the truth is, I never was whole, but I believed I was. The truth is I was always broken. But now, I'm broken and I'm bleeding. My heart is torn, snapped, stomped on, gashed and gushing crimson. And You, my God, let me sit with this pain day in and day out. You relieve it momentarily when I do very tiny things... then back to the pain of it all.

So let me live a life that stops the bleeding! God, my broken heart can't heal itself. I can't continue to sit with it and do nothing.

Lord, take my life. Take my heart. Bring me where you will, set me there to live out my days trying to heal. Help me to regain my strength alongside the meek, the downtrodden, the lost, the forgotten, the poor, the marginalized. God, let me live upside down. Help me to die to myself. To die for others. Help me to see what it means to love until the end, to love until there's nothing left... then come before You, and learn to love some more.

You've done it. You've broken my heart. Now I expect You to help me fix it.