Flailing in Deep Seas

Please read my October Update before you read my spiritual insights on all God is doing. Thank you.

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So, in light of all the good things God is doing, yet all my inner turmoil, what am I learning?

I get the image of water polo my sophomore year of high school. I had played during my freshman year in the "field" as a driver. I had a decent knowledge of the game, I was fast, and I could pass, catch, and shoot a ball. Basically, I had key water polo skills. My coach saw in me something more: I had strong legs, a good reach, decent reflexes (to be developed more) and a great breast stroke kick (something from swim that he found a new use for.) My coach asked me to be a goalie. I was extremely hesitant, and honestly, very angry. I had spent all summer between freshman and sophomore year training to be the fastest swimmer on the team, to be a strong field player. Honestly, I wanted to score goals. So I was PISSED when he told me he needed me in cage. He told me about all of my attributes that would prove beneficial, but I was still upset. Eventually, I came around. But I knew that, if I was to be goalie during our winter season, I wanted a head start on training. So, I began going to guys' practices. I trained with them, hardly blocking a thing the first practices. I wore weight belts (which SUCKED back then). I trained 3 hours a day OUT of my season. I swam. I did drills. And I clung to every peice of advice either of my coaches offered. I was there to learn. It didn't matter that a million shots got scored on me, so long as I was becoming better.

That was a long analogy, so thank you for sticking it out. Truth is, I need that attitude back. I need to look at these two years as the pre-season. It isn't that I'm not a campus minister yet-I am, even if not "full time." But, intern year is like pre-season training. My blunders can be many, so long as I'm growing stronger in faith and my skills are being developed. I came into the internship with a lot of skills-relational, sharing vulnerably, a healthy dependence on community, my faith, my love for justice, my heart for non-believers, teaching, hearing God's voice-but these skills are no where near what they could be at, given more training. The issue is I came into the internship having been a "rock star" on my campus. Now, I'm learning all over again. Yes, I have skills...but I don't know how to apply them in this new place. Yes, I know a lot about ministry, but I require a new perspective (just like a game looks different in the field than in the goal.)

What needs to change? I need to be ok with this new environment being unfamiliar, with my skills being sub-par, with my attempts resulting more in exhaustion from a long day getting better than numerous "successes." Here is God's word to me for the rest of this internship:

"Brianna, why not take risks LOVING people? Others will say how you could have loved better, but no one will be able to say that you could have loved MORE."

So with that, I'm going to flail. I'm going to look ridiculous in a cage wearing a weight belt as a 200lb titan shoots a water polo ball at my face... but eventually, I'm going to be one of the best. Not because I'm naturally fit to it, but because I wasn't afraid to look like a fool in order to learn what it means to minister well.