Before you freak out, my title is straight outta Luke 8. That's right-crazy sea knocking a tiny boat around full of scared disciples and a sleeping Jesus. There fear was REAL. Their fear was "rational." Their fear consumed them to the point that they TOLD Jesus the outcome. They didn't ask for help. They didn't tell Him "we might die!" They said, flat out, "Master, Master, we are going to drown!"
In their minds: Jesus, do you care? How the hell can He sleep in this storm? We're going to die, inform Him of the situation.
And the past few weeks, I think I've been in a storm, a war on all fronts (sorry to switch imagery). Seriously though, I've felt overwhelmed by my job. My boss is constantly adding more to my plate (much of it last minute). My internship has been quite exhausting at times. My relationship with Brendan has been full of conflict. I have been lacking community or not taking advantage of the community I do have. More or less, I've been feeling the whipping of the wind, the lashing of the waves, and fearing my boat [life] would capsize.
I've recently been hit by a few truths about God, encouraged in many ways. I will try to sum up.
When feeling like I have no purpose at CSULB, I am reminded that Chapter Planting, as Eddy and Sarah would say, is NOT sexy. It is, however, God's work and desire. So when I'm running errands, cooking for 20, driving people all over, spending days on campus when no one shows up, sitting in on things I'm not directly "leading," playing awkward games or forcing awkward conversations, Jesus is all the while using me to gather, to serve, to model hospitality, to listen to the deeper heart cries underneath the casual conversation, to build trust, to spread joy, to build community, to help students forget about their current stress, to interpret for students what God is doing in their lives, to let students get to know me, to LOVE students despite my own brokenness.
When feeling like work is too much, I am reminded that I have the opportunity to share the love of Christ with an adorable little girl. I can encourage her and support her, I can teach her and coach her, I can share about my faith and listen as she talks about hers. I get to LOVE her, despite my own brokenness.
And when I feel like I have failed Brendan or he has failed me, I am reminded of God's good promise to me/us before we started dating: "You and Brendan will be good for one another." So when we fight over stupid things, when we are stuck in bad patterns, when we are selfish, when we are tired and unable to love well, when we are grumpy, when we hold on to bitterness, when we suck at life...Jesus shows me that He has a plan for us, He shows me the ways we have encouraged one another and built each other up. He shows us that we are more than our faults and failures. He shows me that I can, indeed, LOVE despite my own brokenness.
More than loving through brokenness, Luke 8 taught me that Jesus doesn't always put us in situations to work on our character (yes, He deeply wants to transform us.) Sometimes, He transforms us through circumstances, but sometimes He changes our circumstances so that we trust Him and ask Him to transform us.
So while I know God is doing much IN me, here is my prayer:
- That interning would not be so exhausting and overwhelming, that it would get easier and that God would bring 20 students to fall con.
- That work would not be so stressful, but my boss would be on top of things and realize how much she has been asking of me.
- That Brendan and I would break through our bad habits, but also, that we would just have more joy overall.
My Jesus cares about my heart and my character, and it has taken me a looong time to realize this truth. But what I have lost/forgotten along the way is that my Jesus ALSO cares about my circumstances and He has the power and the compassion to change them!
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