The past month or so has been marked, in many ways, by exhaustion and discouragement. I have constantly found myself wondering how the heck am I supposed to be in ministry-I am so sinful, so broken, so unworthy, so incompetant, so unloving. I have been gripped by many fears to the point of defeat and despair.
I have wanted to quit my job as a personal assistant because my bosses continued to blame me for things that were not my fault. I wanted to just stay in bed all day, every day, dreading work... then dreading going on campus.
Yet in the midst of this, because Sarah is a great supervisor, I continued to have tasks to do: cook for Soul Thirst, drive students around, have conversations with the three students I am investing intentionally in, participate, gather, invite, lead a prayer treasure hunt, lead a proxy station.
What I didn't realize all along the way was that God was meeting me and I was simply too lost in my own darkness to see Him.:
- Cooking for Soul Thirst has become much less stressful. I like it when students enjoy the food and knowing I am meeting a most basic need in a hospitable, Jesus-like way.
- Driving students is literally my FAVORITE thing to do! I've had so many amazing conversations about dating relationships, loving neighbors, family issues, being missional, prayer, devotionals, God, Jesus, life! I have gotten to live along side them as I hear more about what they are going through. Driving = ministry time of AWESOME!
- As I am investing intentionally in 3 students, I have gotten to see how they are growing over a year. One of them has taken sooo many risks loving her classmates and friends, she even prayed with me for RANDOM people on campus (ex: "Hey, we just wanted to offer prayer to people as a way to love them. Do you need prayer?" Yup. Totally. Random. People. CRAZINESS!). Another girl has been growing SO MUCH wiht Jesus this semester-she is reading her Bible daily, praying, HEARING from God!, loving her suitemates and other students in her dorm. And a third student is slowly learning what it means to be part of Christian community-he is slowly experiencing the transition from "club" to "FAMILY, children of God." Everything he does with us he totally loves! He even shared vulnerably at a men's breakfast this weekend. AWESOME!
- I led a prayer treasure hunt where students learned they can be used by God in real, tangible, practical ways RIGHT NOW!
- I taught students how to do a proxy about Thanksgiving/community, and they got into amazing conversations about how Jesus calls us to love one another!
- God has continued to grow my character (more on that another time).
So although the main feeling I have when I think abotu November is "tired", I think God wants to re-interpret my memories of this past month. The truth is, it was a LOT of stuff, but God has been so faithful throughout it. Here are two mini reflections from this month:
Me: If people knew how sinful and broken I was, the thoughts that are really in my head, they would NEVER let me lead.
God: Yet I have chosen you.
God, you reach me in my darkest hour, in the deepest pit, when life has caved in all around. You always find me.
To end: God is GOOD even if I can't always see it, I don't always look for it, and I continue to ignore it. The moment I choose to acknowledge Him, He is ever present and unconditionally loving. Amen!
Check out my prayer requests to the right for this months events and other things!
Thank you for reading :)
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