Break: Longing and a Journey

Lounging on the couch, I’m enjoying my mommy’s holiday decorations now adorning our home. I have had one full night of sleep in a soft, warm bed and a delicious mom-made breakfast (my favorite: eggs over easy!). Life is good!

Yet things from the drive last night, on the 15 and in the rain, stick with me. Whenever I drive, the silence serves as a comfort since it is often kept from me during the hustle and bustle of college life. During such times of silence, God creeps in and we start wrestling (both hands on the wheel, or at least one, I assure you). God brings up a list of sins from this semester, which can all be boiled down to this: self before others, and more importantly, before my God. When pride, judgment and selfishness wrapped their filthy clutches around the depths of my soul, I began to put myself before God. My studies mattered more to me than time with Him. Sleep was elusive and required active pursuit… God would only get in the way. It is here that I was called to repentance, to recognize how I had lived for myself this semester and not for God.

At this point, if you are reading and are shocked, let me say this: I always live for myself and not for God. I find that the time I truly live for God are few and far between. I am not trying to be particularly hard on myself. I am matter-of-factly acknowledging my shortcomings. And for those who, at this point, think “wow, Bri’s faith is a lot about works, isn’t it?” stick with me while I finish my story.

Once I confessed, and the tears rose to my eye lids, I called out to God in total dependence. I would only repeat these same mistakes without Him. At this point, He spoke into this semester again… but with a different take.

God brought to mind all that I had done. He listed them off. I looked at the list, thinking “but God! I could have, I should have, done so much more!”

He looked at the list, smiled, and said “Brianna, my beloved daughter, I am so proud of you! Look at the ways you put others first? The ways you set yourself aside throughout this semester? Look at the ways you put ME first. The ways you let go of fear of what others would think, and you talked about me openly? I am rejoicing up here, with frickin ANGELS!” ((Yes, Jesse, that last bit was for you!))

So, here is the dilemma: do I rejoice over the semester? Do I mourn the lost time and my sin? … I think I let my response mirror God’s. Are there sins to repent of? Yes. Did I mess up? Yes. Is there a point in going on and on about it? No.

God does not dwell on our shortcomings. We do, but He doesn’t. He addresses them, and He does so boldly. He knows what we need to work on. It is NO secret to Him, the one who MADE us, the one who knows us better than we know ourselves. So, of COURSE He addresses it. But He does not do so to invoke feelings of guilt. God doesn’t need our guilt. He does so because He knows we were meant for more. ((And I think He also addresses things first, at least with me, because He knows I won’t TRUST Him until we talk about the big issues. I won’t believe He really loves me until He talks about all my flaws… then continues to love me all the same!))

But, once we converse over areas of sin, we repent, and He forgives immediately… Christ’s blood washes it all away. Together, God and I looked at my time again through a clear lens, and we can now see all the places where He was at work. Where I grew, where He used me, where He challenged me, where I lived my life for Him.

I believe these are the things God wants us to dwell on. I have and I think to some extent we all have it in our minds that God wants us to think long and hard about what we’ve done… but I don’t think this is true to His character. The only reason to think about our sin is to see God’s forgiveness and grace and love. Otherwise, we get so caught up in what we’ve done wrong that we get caught up in OURSELVES; that is the LAST thing God wants!

So, all this is to say: I am so blessed to have had such a wonderful penultimate semester. I am blessed by what I’ve seen God do, both in and through me, as well as in and through others! It has been a privilege I will NOT take for granted!
And now that place in my heart that was once so full of self is, I like to think, slightly less full. And in its place is the longing for something so much more: the presence of God.

So, I invite you to join me this break as I explore a variety of things about God. I cannot promise to write eloquently, or that I will be consistent, or that it will be worth reading. But, I’m excited and so it seems like that is reason enough to share? (Perhaps I am wrong. Feel free to let me know!)
God bless!
-Bri