Can't Sit With a Broken Heart...

I once was whole. I once had everything together. I had a plan for my future. I had passions, ambitions, goals.

Then I prayed to God, "break my heart for what breaks Yours" too many times to ignore the growing gash in the depths of my soul...

I never meant for it to happen. I never meant to break. I wanted to stay a whole being. I liked being complete. I like my plans. I like my comforts. I liked knowing what to expect out of life.

Then I asked God, "Let Thy Kingdom come, let Thy will be done" too many times to ignore the earthquakes, the tidal waves, the shaking.

I never meant for it to happen. I never meant for the world to come apart. I wanted it to stay whole and complete. I enjoyed its perfection. I enjoyed how cozy it seemed. I liked watching people go by, knowing just what to expect out of life.

I never meant for my prayer to be answered, or I realize that now. I said them with good intentions, sure... but I didn't really want the change they would bring, not then anyway. I was not ready. Two years ago, God called me to Kenya. I went, wanting to see. To become more aware of the pain in this world. I thought knowing would be enough. I thought praying good intentioned prayers would make the difference.

Then I learned that I don't pray for God to hear good intentions. My God doesn't care about nice thoughts and happy Christian phrases "peace on earth, good will towards men." My God doesn't need bumper stickers or verses hanging on my walls. My God doesn't need the Christian clothes I wear or the minutes I spend thanking Him for my food. My God doesn't need me to point to Him and say "You rock. Love ya" and then go on with my life the same way I always have.

I never meant for my prayers to be answered, or I realize that now. My good intentions seem to have gone too far. My life can't continue to be comfortable or easy. I see that now. God, You have answered my prayers.

I stand before You, a gash through my heart. I'm bleeding uncontrollably, and instead of seeking You, I've gotten upset at the pain it has caused. How can You let me bleed to death? How can I see the poorest of the poor, and be incapable of doing a thing? How can I talk to a ten year old, knowing his family has next to nothing, knowing he can't go see his favorite movie, knowing he won't get any presents this year... and be trapped?

Damnit, God! You answered me, and it hurts! I hate it, sometimes! I hate feeling like I'm dying when I remember those in pain, those suffering. I hate crying out to You on behalf of them, when I remember to. I hate it because it hurts! You answered my prayers, and it hurts!

I am not whole, not anymore. Well, the truth is, I never was whole, but I believed I was. The truth is I was always broken. But now, I'm broken and I'm bleeding. My heart is torn, snapped, stomped on, gashed and gushing crimson. And You, my God, let me sit with this pain day in and day out. You relieve it momentarily when I do very tiny things... then back to the pain of it all.

So let me live a life that stops the bleeding! God, my broken heart can't heal itself. I can't continue to sit with it and do nothing.

Lord, take my life. Take my heart. Bring me where you will, set me there to live out my days trying to heal. Help me to regain my strength alongside the meek, the downtrodden, the lost, the forgotten, the poor, the marginalized. God, let me live upside down. Help me to die to myself. To die for others. Help me to see what it means to love until the end, to love until there's nothing left... then come before You, and learn to love some more.

You've done it. You've broken my heart. Now I expect You to help me fix it.